The Great Federal Employee Freakout of 2025

It is scary but entertaining

Submitted by cubicleanon

The Trumpening is a decade old, yet this year feels different. The winter of 2025 provided so much winning and so many liberal tears the streets of D.C. froze. Oh, 2025, you gave us a new main antagonist; what a year to be a federal worker! The Great Federal Employee Freakout of 2025 hit like a tornado, leaving bureaucrats clutching their ergonomic chairs, thrashing in their bathrobes and screaming into the void or Zoom calls. A bunch of paper-pushers, hardened by decades of reports no one read and meaningless awards, suddenly faced Trump’s executive orders, the simple DOGE audit program, and worst of all, the demand to return to the office. The realization that Trump is serious about slashing the government’s workforce and axing agencies triggered an immediate, hysterical reaction.

Trump, freshly back in the Oval Office, started signing papers day one with an eye on checking government work and taking control of the presidency. Some of the EOs that hurt the most focus on DEI and woke ideology. It pains a man more to reject his worldview than it does to give him basic, operational orders. According to CNN, federal workers were told to yank research papers with words like “nonbinary” or “transgender” and pause gender-affirming care programs. The reaction? Hysteria one would have seen on Tumblr a decade ago. “They’re erasing my spreadsheet on pronouns!” wailed one CDC employee, probably while wearing an adult diaper and using a binky. Even lawsuits could not stop Trump as mass layoffs were greenlit by a judge, prompting workers to show up to the office for the first time in years to only clean out their office. What was left, a favorite stapler? It was less a policy shift and more a full-on existential crisis. The vibe shift has destroyed their auras.

Then there’s DOGE, the brainchild of Elon Musk (sorry Vivek), who apparently decided the government needed a standard issue accounting of money flows that any failing business in the midst of a turnaround would implement. This crew of dedicated tech and legal workers sent emails demanding workers list their weekly accomplishments or resign. Explaining what is it that they do around here Office Space style was too much for them. The media, which has been airing sob story interviews daily now, portrays the hysteria as if it is valid. CBS News captured the meltdown with the quote, “It’s cruel and disrespectful!” This was from union leader Everett Kelley, representing 750,000 workers who’d never faced such an outrage as showing that they actually work. One State Department staffer reportedly replied with, “Monday: stared at wall. Tuesday: cried into my lunch. Wednesday: Googled ‘Musk chainsaw.’” The deadline loomed, and agencies like the FBI and Pentagon told employees not to respond. The NatSec community does have an issue doing this because much of what they do is classified, part of ongoing investigations or risks putting national security situations at risk.

The most unbearable request from Trump? The end of remote work. Trump’s executive order banning telework turned federal employee chats into suicide forums. “Return to the office or resign,” was the gist of the DOGE memo, and suddenly, workers who’d spent years perfecting their pajama Zoom aesthetic were expected to show up at work. This has been happening to private employees for three years now. The streets of D.C. became a parade of meltdowns, with NPR noting that workers protested canceled DEI contracts by interpretive dance. I am not joking. Interpretive. Dance.

Social media, naturally, amplified the madness. Reddit’s r/fednews has been a hotbed of anger, anxiety and hysteria. People openly post that they may leak state secrets to other nations. They liken their work struggle to war, both the Global War on Terror and World War Two. “It’s harassment!” one Department of Education employee posted because nothing says oppression like a Saturday email. These posts reveal that the average fed worker is a redditor with the politics of the average DSA member. Chris Rufo reported on NSA chat logs that showed quite a few sexual deviants sharing fantasies and discussing topics no one ever would at a private employer, who can also spy on every American.

The feds and their nonprofit friends are all preparing for the worst. Real estate watchers noted that rentals are popping up all over the D.C. metro area. Home listings are skyrocketing, and it is not even the spring selling season. Finally, after decades of boom times, the feds will have to learn to code.

In the end, the Great Freakout of 2025 is peak comedy: a government so shook by efficiency it turned into a mental asylum. This really is the business approach we expected in 2017. Trump and Musk both know turnarounds. They both know parasitic cost centers need to be cut. Critical systems and employees will remain, but the jig is up. Trump and DOGE waved their executive wands, and federal workers responded with a collective, “The People will fight, protest and march for us!” Much to their surprise, no one is.